If the decision is between Beeswax and Tudor Cream, something has already gone dramatically wrong. — If the decision is between *Beeswax* and Tudor Cream, something has already gone dramatically wrong.

Nothing turns me off discussions of clothes quite like color theory. I do an about face the instant someone begins discussing shades in terms of families. I’m far more interested in the imaginative names assigned colors than the colors themselves (which accounts for our second floor damask rose room). The very worst, though, are those color enthusiasts who describe people in terms of season; telling someone he is a winter or a spring is an obvious invitation to tap the speaker for his bristling knowledge of the subject. I’d rather be washed out in the wrong taupe than endure that sort of a lecture.

What chafes me is the quackery that seems to uphold most of these theories. The main problem is the subject—my complexion—is a moving target. I once had freckles, but now don’t. Last year, following two weeks in or around salt water, what’s left of my hair became sort of reddish; it’s now flecked with silver and gray. When it is very cold and dry, I suspend my shaving routine, and my beard grows in an alarmingly dark brown. In the tropics I take sun easily, but lose it on the flight home. In any event, I don’t wear my trousers tied around my head, so what does it matter if they aren’t the ideal shade of goldenrod for my eyebrows? Also, even if teal is really my color according to one of these experts, I’m never going to have a shirt made in it.

And this is really the heart of the matter: regardless of what colors might or might not suit the individual, most shirts will remain white or blue and most suits grey, navy or perhaps brown. Accessories might stray into more adventurous territory, but I often think the success or failure of a daring tie or sweater depends more upon the harmony of the composition than it does the shade of something as comparatively small as the iris.

That’s not to suggest color is not important. It is, but the time thinking about color is better spent determining which ones don’t flatter as opposed to sifting through the much larger group of ones that either work reasonably well, or, because of tradition or professional expectation, are going to be worn anyway. When confronted with vast choice, navigation is far more efficient when armed with trial-and-error proven guidelines than some shaky system that recommends flattering colors dependent upon a shifting complexion. In short, it is easier to know what to avoid than to wonder if something is correct.

In an effort to sound authoritative but as unscientific as possible, I have listed as bullet points below my personal guidelines.

-Do not trust anyone who thinks brown and black don’t go well together.

-Dark green is incredibly handsome and remarkably underused.

-Off-white is often better than stark white.* Plus the names are better: cream, ivory, bone…

-Primary colors are forbidden, as are two shades in either direction of them.

-Be careful with purple, orange and lighter greens.

-Gold rather than silver.

-When in doubt: Navy.

*The exception being more formal evening occasions when only a white shirt will do.